~Baby Kitties~

I am home from Billings, relaxed and happy. Our last night in Billings was perfect, from the conversation, to the meal at Red Lobster  to the jacuzzi tub.  Sure, I lost a diamond earrring there--but when I look at the one that remains I will fondly call how I lost it's mate.   

We parted ways the same way we arrived--touching and tasting each other and taking our time  to make the other coo. 

This is a good thing because I heard that the greeting and the departure are very important in a relationship and that you should give each other at least a five second kiss.  We are gold star winners in that department, because we managed to give each other hours of kisses.

You leave me breathless with quaky thighs and soaked in sweat and positively purring.  I felt like I was humming all the way home on a nice blissful serotonin high--thank-you for your contribution.  I think it must be the same for you in that you now need to increase your production of serotonin, so perhaps the happiness will linger for you too.

Unfortunately, our relationship isn't just crab legs and jacuzzi tubs and blow jobs.

I know that when you are in North Dakota you have to be intense and perfect and you talk louder because you are always around loud machinery.  I know that you are dog ass tired when you get home and you would really like to rest your eyes in your own bed--but you can't because you see all of the neglect around you.  I share your feelings for the basement and I recognize that the place looks a little rough around the edges when you come home.

I have to say, I don't understand your anger when you approach common tasks like mowing the lawn.  It doesn't look like you are home--because you are not home.  It looks like it is being taken care of by a teenager, because it is. 

Mowing the lawn is pleasurable work--you have a kick ass mower and a whole acre to drive it around on.  Remember how much fun mowing the lawn can be, and it happens every week.   It could have been much funner for you if you wouldn't have approached it with anger.

You know those moments when you and I are all tangled together and you murmur loving words and those times when we talk and laugh together and those times we sing to the radio or just hang out in a tub gazing fondly at one another--

Let's have more of those moments. 

I think when you are away, you think of home in really great terms and your expectations are all shiny and when you get here and see that it really is kind of a chaotic mess you are disappointed.

You don't realize:  This is exactly how we live everyday.  People are coming and going and things are piling up--remember?  Your kids are pigs, the garden is a mess, there is a dead spot in the grass.  Those things are all par for the course.

That's how we live and dishes and laundry need to be done everyday.  And there are days and weeks and hours of weeds to pull and that is the reality every day...if you were here everyday, these are the things you would be doing every day. 

Instead of being so disappointed in your time at home: Look at your home and see the amazing stuff, like your healthy kids and that beautiful rose bush and that great big bed with fresh sheets and a freshly bathed woman inside. 

If you look for all that is great, the stuff that isn't that great doesn't even matter. 

Since you have been in North Dakota, you have become much more gruff and snarly, and you have a much more intense stare.  You have a stern intimidating expression, and you carry yourself like you are looking for a fight. 

In the car I made the comparison between you being in North Dakota with a bunch of lions and tigers.  You have become a man who carries himself in that environment.  You are kicking ass in the trucking world, and you have paid some massive bills and bought some major items for your family.

You are totally kicking ass in the provider department.

But when you come home, remember that we aren't lions and tigers--we are like baby kitties-- dangle a fishing line, toss a ball, snuggle up on the couch..  You don't have to be tough around us, we like you better when you are soft and cuddly. 

When you are stomping and snarling around the house, you set us all on edge and make all us jittery and uncomfortable.  We are not used to this North Dakota trucking man that you have become--we are used to soft cuddly daddio that enjoys mowing the lawn and tossing a football.

You talk different now--much louder with much more profanity.  We are more used to the guy that laughs and never drops the f bomb.  Remember how you used to chastise me for swearing--you were right.  It's ugly and sounds angry and I liked it better when you didn't swear around the kids and I. 

I know that you say you are 'teasing' but when I tell you that you are hurting my feelings you should respect me enough to stop.  You don't have to agree with my reasons for having hurt feelings, you just have to care enough about my feelings to stop hurting them.

I just want you to talk to me like you like me and enjoy spending time with me, because I know you do enjoy spending time with me, and I know you really like hanging out with your kids.  We miss you and when you come home, it would be okay for the things not gone done for a couple days so we can all enjoy your first days off in a month.

When there is work to be done, approach it like it is a pleasure, because it can be.

When I am talking and you cut me off with your loud voice it intimidates me and I don't even listen to what you are yelling about because your tone is enough to stress me out.  Guess what, you will always be able to talk louder and more forcefully than I do, you will most assuredly win every argument because when I can no longer deal with your fierceness, I will walk away.  I don't like escaltating arguments that go round and round with you screaming the same questions and me giving the same answers and each of us reacting to the other's tone instead of the topic of argument.

Don't yell at me.  Don't get into my face.  Don't be confrontational--you don't have to do that to prove your point to me.  Talk sweet to me, and I will calmly listen to what you ahve to say.  Give me the respect to listen to me when I am talking to you--I will talk to you in a tone that isn't shrill or naggy.

I can't stand loudness and angry talk--this is something you should have learned about me before you even met me.  Walking away is my defense mechanism, I have been walking away from loud angry people since I was kid.  I walk away because the tension ties knots in my guts and makes me physically ill.  It makes me head hurt and my guts go wonky.  Your angry words and tone hurt me almost as much as it would if you punched me. 

Remember in the beginning of our relationship when we were courting each other and we made that rule about not saying the f word to each other, and no yelling--let's go back to those rules.  They were good ones that worked for many years.

Just treat me like I am precious and like you love me because I know that you do.  It shouldn't be hard to have a pleasant time together--we are both pleasant people.  We don't have any problems that should cause us to fight like we hate each other.

~Day 74~

    You have been in North Dakota for Seventy-Four Days, during that time you have been home for twelve days. 

    During all this time, some things have changed about our relationship:  I am sure you have noticed.  One of those things is that our arguments have been amplified and they take on more meaning than they would have if we were arguing about the same issues every day over the dinner table.

    I am writing this two days after the trip that you made home from Ross on February 22nd.  You were here for twenty-seven hours, and we spent twenty of those hours in bed.  Some of those hours were just as I had hoped they would be, but the majority of those hours were spent with both of us sleeping--you because you were exhausted from the over-night drive and me because of my wonky guts.

    It wasn't the jager and motel room weekend we had planned--but ya know, ultimately it was probably better.

    I know that your buddies were heading to Williston for an overnighter, and I know you were invited to go with them--I know tht you chose to come home to me for those hours.  And during those hours, we were wrapped around each other like those little cuddly monkeys you can buy at the Hallmark store during Valentine's Day.

    It was awesome to listen to you breath while you warm body was curled up against my achey belly, I ran my fingers over you just to feel the goose bumps rise--I used to do that all the time in the early days of our marriage, when I couldn't sleep.  It is a wonderful feeling to know that I can touch you all over and plant kisses on your shoulders and cheeks while you are sleeping, and I can do that because you are my partner.  My mate.  My spouse.  My husband.

     On Day seventy-four of this North Dakota thing, things have changed.  Perhaps we both need to recognize that arguments we have now are exactly the same arguments we have always had about child rearing--and that wrapping around you like a orangutan is always going to be my favorite thing to do.

  

     

~New Feet~

Before you came home, I colored more than my hair.  I also painted my toenails.  I am not sure if you got to check them out while you were home, so I am giving up a picture so you can update your portfolio.  (frankly, the other feet picture is a little creepy and you probably shouldn't use it as a screen saver.)

~Kaitlyn and her guitar~

~Love Never Fails~