~Christmas Morning or What We Were Doing While We Talked To You On The Phone~

Merry Christmas Love!

It is10:00am, and this is what your family has been up to:


Notice Jake on the phone?  He is Talking to you.





Jake got his cellphone--watch out ladies!

Kate got a guitar (stay tuned for a private concert).

Ike got an ipod!  (He hates to brag, but it is bigger than yours.  He also hates to brag about his wounded eye--it is a dish related injury.)

The kids bought me a bunch of presents--a robe, candy, an orchid and even a coffee mug!

So now we all are gifted, and I am beginning the cooking and every one of us thinks it is odd not to have you here.

Merry Christmas Lover--you are in our thoughts!



~Skuttlebutt Sunday has been cancelled due to lack of interest~

Another blast from the past, and a reminder of what a great dad you are.   Look at you—driving in the rain, shoveling snow, fixing doors, chopping wood!  It seems most of our pictures and all of our movies feature fishing.

When you think about it, you have given our kids a fishing legacy that they will remember forever.  When you are 100 years old rocking on the porch with me and the great grand-kids, I am sure we will be telling fishing stories.

I hear the kids talking about you when they think I am not listening.  Usually they say things like, “If Dad was here we could do it”. But I also hear them talk about your great big muscles and various feats of strength that you have preformed.  They talk about how you fixed something that was broken, and how cool it was to get up early and go hunting and how much more fun it is going to work with you than staying home with me.

Right now, what they are talking about is what a sacrifice you are making.  It’s a sad thought:  Daddio alone in a truck eating day old pizza on Christmas Day.  Each of them is trying to think of a way to cheer you up on Christmas day (surprises to come!) and each of them is proud of you for making such a huge effort to change our financial future.

At the base of our kids is a big nugget of self interest so each of them is spending the new money that you are making.  Kaitlyn plans for you to buy her a car and send her to college and buy her braces.  Jake is counting on a swimming pool complete with a slide, a hot tub and a sound system (so the ‘babes’ that come over have music to dance to) and braces.  Ike is also ready for braces and a canoe and a shotgun (so that when you have two weeks off, you and he will have something to do.)

And me?  I enjoy paying the mortgage, and I know that you are road weary and overworked to achieve that goal.  I am not concentrating on you being away and how much I miss you.

 I am concentrating on the fact that you are working your ass off to take us to that place where we are financially stable.

And when I lay down to sleep at night, instead of reaching out to your empty spot and missing you, I dream a dream in which you and I and all of our children are frolicking in the ocean and watching the whales spout. 

And fishing.  Of Course—we  need some deep sea fishing pictures to add to our collection of pictures of fish that we have slaughtered.

I guess what I am saying is that it kind of sucks here without you, but the home is secure and the kids and  I have plans for your days off, and some of them are as common as the video.

~All The Cool Kids Are Doing It~

I assume you have watched the video, and now you are missing me with the white hot yearning of a thousand suns.  It can’t be helped—the woman in that video is quite adorable.

The video was created six years ago when I was juggling my blog and my newspaper column, and I tended to keep the two related.  The video counted as work for the blog, and the actual picture did appear as my by-line (once) in the newspaper.

Now that I have jacked up your rememberances of me, let me tell you about my current reality: Now With 95% Less bloody foam!

When you are home and you have control of the remote, it drives me nuts that you channel surf during the middle of shows and I always think, “If I had the remote,I would just watch one show.”

And now you are gone and I do have the remote and do you know what?  There really isn’t anything on, and I tend to channel surf quite a bit myself.  Watching tv with you is funner, I watch a wider variety of shows.

Also, I sleep like the dead when I have the big bed to myself.  When you are home,  I wake up 5-6 times a night.  When you are gone, I lay down and down and I don't wake up until morning.

The mornings suck with you gone.  When you are home and I wake up to early, I can use those couple minutes to snuggle up to your warm body before you wake up.  Most of the time, you get out of bed and I go back to sleep knowing that when I get up the coffee will be hot and the kids will be on the move.

When you are gone,I wake up early and remember that you are gone and I wonder where you are at this time of the day.

And then I do the strangest thing!

Instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, I get up and make my own coffee and then I turn on the weather channel.   The kids are not enjoying this turn of events, because it means that I am wide awake in the morning, and ready to nag them about their personal hygiene, the crap they leave laying around and the situation in the kitchen.

I want you to think of me as adorable when you are away from me—but the reality around the Ol Ranchero is a lot more of a crabby mom schleping around in yoga pants and an old flannel shirt nagging at every person who crosses into her path.  If you were here, you would be in my cross hairs, and I would be creating lists of things that I needed you to carry around or climb on top of.  You might think you would be spending a peaceful Saturday at home in a Norman Rockwell painting--but in reality I would have you either shopping or carrying the giant table back into the house. 

When you think about it--you driving crude today and making a fistful of dollars is giving you a much more relaxing day, and the video is a present because it gives you a picture that makes me look a lot funner than I really am.

~They Were Adorable Five Years Ago~

  I realize that nine days away from home, you are missing the kids, and you are probably thinking of them as really cute and sweet and intelligent and funny--like the precious kids in this video.

Ooooh--!  The last fifteen seconds of that video, when Jake is talking and he has that sweet little voice--!  Precious.  And Ike crashing on his bike, so funny.  And all the fish and the sweet sweet faces.

Man they were cute kids.

The Reality of life around the Manor is that none of those cute children live here.
 Jake's sweet voice has turned into a man/child voice and he likes to practice with it by talking loud (The louder he is, the deeper his voice) and he is a pretty lippy kid.

Between you and me, he is very funny--but he spends a lot of time testing my patience.

And your daughter?  She is quite the smart ass herself, and the two of them are tag teaming me with the Mom jokes.  You know the, "Remember when mom said, Stop doing that in my eyes" kind of thing.  Only their new thing is making up ridiculous things like, "Do it right now, or I am going to shove my foot so far up your butt you are going to have to travel to the moon to eat lunch."

I have never said that last part--but I have started my sentences with "DO it right now or..." and perhaps I sometimes mention violence--but not cartoon violence.  More devious violence, like when I change the password on the computer and tell them they can have it back, after they get the (insert chore here) done.

Now Ike--he is still pretty sweet, unfortunately he is starting to practice being lippy and he isn't very good at it.  When he tries to say something funny at the dinner table, Kate and Jake are on him like hyena's on a guinea pig.  He is also trying that thing where he puts off doing what I tell him to do--fortunately, he doesn't have as much stamina as either of his siblings and he gets things done by the third time I ask.

The house is it's typical disarray with the added surprise of Blue sleeping in the laundry room.  Did you see him in that video---oooh!  Protecting the kids and all that...
There ae dishes in the sink and left over tuna casserole in the refrigerator.  We may have eaten some meals in the livingroom and Lindsay Lou left a ring in the jet tub.  Sam and Maddy and Josh have been over (we are going to rip out the carpet anyway, so there is no need to mention exactly what happened there).
resigned from my job today. The Durango went down again--Kate and I decided that it was the progressive meter that is sucking the battery dead.  Who knew that giving the insurance company access to my driving habits would be such a bad idea?   Mindy is about to realize that I am home for the day so I anticipate that they telephone will ring at 9:00am and she will be wanting to come hang out with me so that we can talk about  how much we hate it when Jarrod calls us trouble.  I see a 'heh-ache' in both of our immediate future.

Basically, things are about par for the course around here. 
            

          

~What Can I Say, I Am Cheap~

Merry Christmas!

So I was thinking about what I could get you for Christmas and I realized, it is a whole dose of me.

 I started you a blog!

Surprise!

Obviously, by this stage of your new job you are missing me terribly.  I recognize that you are spending long hours waiting in line with nothing to do and so you are probably spending a lot of time thinking of me like this:

I am sure you spend time thinking of how good my hair smells, and how you can bounce a quarter off of my ass and that I have a perfect set of snow cone tits--

And so I thought that I would bring you the Christmas gift of what Reality is like around the homestead while you are away.

For starters:

I am really not all that well groomed.
Since you are reading this from your iPad (you lucky dog) I assume you get great picture resolution.
You should be able to notice that one of my feet has considerably more hair on the toes.
This is because last week I thought, "Fuck it, Martin isn't even here to see my legs and toes, why even shave them?" RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF SHAVING.  (that's love right there).
If you have really great resolution, you can see that one of my legs has a fine mist of hair that is pretty long, but amazingly clear so maybe not that offensive--the other has stubble.
You will notice the appalling state of my pedicure.
I am pretty sure you didn't know this--but I keep my toe nails painted because you once mentioned that you liked the look of ripped jeans and bare feet with bright red toe-nails.
When you think about it, I paint my toe nails to entice you, and this is a service I have been preforming for years--
You Are Welcome--
Since you have been gone I have been thinking: "Fuck it, it is winter and I wear socks.  I can look like a Yeti beneath my clothes, I will get out the weed whacker before Martin gets home."
Right about now you are probably thinking about how adorable I am again--which probably is causing you to miss me and my great cooking and the way I know where your corn pads are located.
My final dose of reality comes from the simple fact of this blog:

Why is it that I am creating a blog in the middle of a work day in which I should be working because I am currently employed??

THAT is a story of the plague that has descended upon our house.  It is a clear example of why a person should get a flu shot.  Jacob is home today with general malaise, and I am experiencing some intestinal distress and also applying for a different job--

(It pays more money, and it is more along the lines of my career goals.  Plus it has a better title.  And more money.  And I am pretty sure that the reason the family is going down is because a woman with snot on her hands grabbed my hand.  When I gagged, she thought it was funny.  So she wiped a booger on my face.  It is true.  I could probably ask the center to find the segment on the security tapes, but I think you can just take my word for it.  Did I mention that the new job offers more money?)

Now the problem is:  I might not get that other job and my missing work might lose the job I currently have--and then I might become one of those hippy ladies with ZZTop beards and a pair of Birkenstock.

On the brighter side, the basement is much cleaner.  I took away the XBox until the cleanliness rate met my expectations.
That is therapy talk for: "I got shit to a level where social service won't think our children's living conditions are detrimental to their welfare."

I know.  I am getting an A in the mom game!

In closing, here is a Christmas picture of me.


 I would invite you to look at it and see me getting all sexed up with feathers and perhaps a pair of slutty shoes.
  Pretend that the toothpaste streaks on the mirror are actually snow falling and I am getting ready to get all funky in the great outdooors like we did that one year after the Beerfest.
Remember?  We lived in the Cat House, and Missy had the kids for an overnighter and we made druken love behind the shed on top of a tarp and then went to bed at 8:00 and slept like the dead until the next morning at 9:00 when the kids came home.

On the Reality side:

I am wearing the hat so my grey roots won't be exposed and  the picture is cropped so that you can't see that I am wearing yoga pants.

I picked one with the camera flash and the camera obscuring my face because--dude!  I am getting some baggy eyes in my old age.

The picture was taken just a few short seconds before I "powdered my nose".

Reality at Chessey Manor isn't really that pretty right now, but I do want you to know:

 I Love you so much that there is no reason to shave when you are gone.